“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
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My dream job is getting paid to dream
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
the red hot silly peppers
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.