When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
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No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.