me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.