Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
You wish you had this many chins.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors