i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
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The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
sigh
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
@funTweeters I am at your service….
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.