My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
You Might Also Like
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Who’s your best friend?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?