[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
You saw nothing. I am ham.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”