They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
This rocks
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Van Gone
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.