Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
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I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.