My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
You Might Also Like
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
HELP 😭
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.