*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
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If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh