There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.