Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
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“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask