The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
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just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Sign at work today
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
😂🤣😂🤣
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…