Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
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This January has 47 Mondays
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Who chose this font
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>