My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
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My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Imma just leave this here…………
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”