I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
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Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
let’s discuss
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.