Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
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I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning