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Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
🤣🤣🤣
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.