INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
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My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.