My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”