[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
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[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
when dads have a rap battle
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I’m good, thanks.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap