If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
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my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Jurassic park gets weird
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???