When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
You Might Also Like
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
How wrong was this guy?
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.