it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
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well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends