I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
You Might Also Like
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup