The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy