Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
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I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Wait a second…
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur