Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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Lmao
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night