coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
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A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now