Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
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My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.