Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
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ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands