Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
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Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.