So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
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OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I think I’m having a stroke
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.