Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
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[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.