I know a bad idea when I see one.
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My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Godspeed, John Glenn