I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
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guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*