Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
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Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
This took me a second..
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol