Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
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If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.