Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
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What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.