Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
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They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.