Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
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“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Saturday
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)