Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else