Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*