Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
You Might Also Like
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
the three genders
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed