I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
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‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Not all heroes wear capes…
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*