It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
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Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.