“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
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So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.