The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
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Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
that’s really how it is
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.