But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
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My friend is an excellent librarian.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
LMAO
i will avenge u mr van gogh
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.